Bring The Rain
It also describes where I was a few months ago...desperately in need of resurrection. "Only You can take this empty shell and raise me from the dead. Take the pieces from Your hand and make me whole again." Ooooooh, it's good stuff.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Resurrection
Take a listen (don't forget to pause my music first). This was sung by Nicol Sponberg at a funeral for a four-month-old baby boy who died of SIDS. While they are mourning, they are also praising God. It's an amazing testiment to God's mercy and love. Get the full story on
Bring The Rain
It also describes where I was a few months ago...desperately in need of resurrection. "Only You can take this empty shell and raise me from the dead. Take the pieces from Your hand and make me whole again." Ooooooh, it's good stuff.
Bring The Rain
It also describes where I was a few months ago...desperately in need of resurrection. "Only You can take this empty shell and raise me from the dead. Take the pieces from Your hand and make me whole again." Ooooooh, it's good stuff.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
It's amazing...
...that when we ask the Lord for help, guidance, wisdom...He answers!! I just need to ask more often!!
"Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring."
Hosea 6:3, NLT
"Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring."
Hosea 6:3, NLT
Monday, August 18, 2008
I believe
I believe I need to articulate three things here, in lieu of recent events in my life. Let me share my story to encourage you…or even warn you. Or both.
Here are the three things.
1. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." God uses even our most heinous circumstances to help us grow and to bring Him glory.
2. Satan and his minions are real. John 10:10 says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." Let’s not give him too much credit, but let’s not discredit him, either. His demons are after us. Know where you're weak. And expect that he'll attack you at any time. Instead of living in denial, be ready. Which leads me to…
3. I want to be ready this time and I need your prayer. I want to be in tune with God and equipped to handle anything evil that comes my way from here on out.
3 ½ months ago, when I suffered a miscarriage, I wasn’t ready. I was weak and scared and demons or whatever you want to call them—-they knew that and they took the opportunity to attack me.
Here’s the story. I wouldn't know it until many days later but I believe the baby was set loose from me that first night, Monday, May 5th. I woke up from a weird (but fairly benign dream). The dream probably resulted from two things: our pastor had preached on Christian martyrs at church the day before and that night, I'd watched one of the "Bourne" movies. That combination meant I had all sorts of violent images in my mind when I went to bed.
I woke up from the dream because our son had wet the bed, but as we changed the sheets and I recounted the dream to my husband, I started to feel afraid. As I lay in bed, feeling chilled and nauseated, I felt a deep, dark fear set into me. I felt panicked and scared, like an evil hand was gripping me. I cried and talked to my husband. We prayed together and talked through it and I was finally able to calm down. I felt the peace of God eventually, too. I felt His comfort.
But I couldn't sleep. My stomach was heaving. I felt sick, so sick.
When I'm sick, God seems to speak to me the most clearly. I don't think He talks any louder, I just listen better! So as I drifted in and out of a fitful sleep, I was praying and asking Him what He was trying to tell me. I felt like He was definitely saying something important.
I feel that God said three things.
1. "Tab, you need to figure out what's coming between You and I. Figure it out, then let's break down the barrier so you can walk close to me again."
2. "Pin-point where your fear is coming from so we can conquer it."
3. "PURGE."
I finally fell asleep once I got the message.
That night, I didn't know what PURGE meant. I mean, I knew what the word meant, but I didn't know what God had in mind. I certainly didn't know that the baby had been purged! That would come several days later. Friday, the bleeding started. By Mother's Day that Sunday, I was starting to accept that the pregnancy was over. I attended church and celebrated with my family and felt at peace. Or as peaceful as I could feel.
By Tuesday, I knew undoubtedly that all hope was gone. No baby. We'd thought God had said the pregnancy was good. He didn't. We'll probably never know why.
Not long after that, I thought about what God told me that night.
First, I acknowledged that I was very mediocre in my spiritual life. With the idea of “purging” in mind, I looked at how I was spending my time. I started purging. My husband and I went through the house and purged things, then donated them. It felt good to get rid of stuff! I also purged activities, including my two home-based businesses and teaching the twos class at church.
I also knew I needed help to get back on track spiritually. I don’t like asking for help but I humbly sent out an all-call and my dear friend, Amy, responded and said she would be happy to mentor me. We would begin a discipleship relationship; me following her as she follows Christ.
And now I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling surer and more grounded, in my faith and in life! I’m very close to the point where I can articulate the two things God wanted me to figure out: the barrier and the fear. Of course I’ll write about it when the time comes. It’s been an interesting process and one I am so very grateful for.
So back to my three points.
1. God really does work all things together for good. Without the miscarriage and my conversation with God, who knows how long it would have been until I’d have admitted to myself that I was having a long-distance relationship with God and needed help to get back on track?? He was calling me to Himself and when we seek Him, He promises that He will be found.
2. Good and evil are doing battle around us all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not. I really don’t know what happened that night the miscarriage started. I believe my body was purging because something was wrong with the baby and I'm OK with that. Nature took its course. I do believe that it's possible that demons were waiting in the wings (as they always do) to take an opportunity to attack me. They've been around for a long time--they know what to look for. They saw an opportunity to speak fear to me and they took it. Thankfully, God won out. Maybe I was more vulnerable not only because I was sick but because I was weak-—spiritually weak. I don't want to be weak again, nor do I want to give them opportunities to take advantage of me. Which, again, leads me to…
3. I want to be ready this time. For every future attack but for our next pregnancy in particular. We’re trying to get pregnant again so, naturally, we won’t know that we are until at least two weeks into it. Let’s start praying now!
The good news is the second part of John 10:10 I mentioned earlier. "I have come that they may have LIFE, and that they may have it more abundantly."
Let's pray for this future little life. God will have the final say. And no matter what the outcome, we will give Him the glory.
Want to pray specific scripture for us?? Here are some suggestions (borrowed from the book "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery") Feel free to suggest your own!
And thank you. May this story bless you on your journey.
Psa 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Gen 1:28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
Psa 139:13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[fn2]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
Psa 128:3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
In the very heart of your house,
Your children like olive plants
All around your table.
Psa 127:4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
Psa 127:5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psa 113:9 He grants the barren woman a home,
Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!
Psa 91:1
HE who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Psa 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."
1Pe 2:24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed.
Exd 23:25 "So you shall serve the LORD your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.
Exd 23:26 "No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.
Jhn 16:23 "And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you.
Mat 18:19 "Again I say[fn3] to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.
1Jo 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
1Jo 5:15 And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
Here are the three things.
1. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." God uses even our most heinous circumstances to help us grow and to bring Him glory.
2. Satan and his minions are real. John 10:10 says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." Let’s not give him too much credit, but let’s not discredit him, either. His demons are after us. Know where you're weak. And expect that he'll attack you at any time. Instead of living in denial, be ready. Which leads me to…
3. I want to be ready this time and I need your prayer. I want to be in tune with God and equipped to handle anything evil that comes my way from here on out.
3 ½ months ago, when I suffered a miscarriage, I wasn’t ready. I was weak and scared and demons or whatever you want to call them—-they knew that and they took the opportunity to attack me.
Here’s the story. I wouldn't know it until many days later but I believe the baby was set loose from me that first night, Monday, May 5th. I woke up from a weird (but fairly benign dream). The dream probably resulted from two things: our pastor had preached on Christian martyrs at church the day before and that night, I'd watched one of the "Bourne" movies. That combination meant I had all sorts of violent images in my mind when I went to bed.
I woke up from the dream because our son had wet the bed, but as we changed the sheets and I recounted the dream to my husband, I started to feel afraid. As I lay in bed, feeling chilled and nauseated, I felt a deep, dark fear set into me. I felt panicked and scared, like an evil hand was gripping me. I cried and talked to my husband. We prayed together and talked through it and I was finally able to calm down. I felt the peace of God eventually, too. I felt His comfort.
But I couldn't sleep. My stomach was heaving. I felt sick, so sick.
When I'm sick, God seems to speak to me the most clearly. I don't think He talks any louder, I just listen better! So as I drifted in and out of a fitful sleep, I was praying and asking Him what He was trying to tell me. I felt like He was definitely saying something important.
I feel that God said three things.
1. "Tab, you need to figure out what's coming between You and I. Figure it out, then let's break down the barrier so you can walk close to me again."
2. "Pin-point where your fear is coming from so we can conquer it."
3. "PURGE."
I finally fell asleep once I got the message.
That night, I didn't know what PURGE meant. I mean, I knew what the word meant, but I didn't know what God had in mind. I certainly didn't know that the baby had been purged! That would come several days later. Friday, the bleeding started. By Mother's Day that Sunday, I was starting to accept that the pregnancy was over. I attended church and celebrated with my family and felt at peace. Or as peaceful as I could feel.
By Tuesday, I knew undoubtedly that all hope was gone. No baby. We'd thought God had said the pregnancy was good. He didn't. We'll probably never know why.
Not long after that, I thought about what God told me that night.
First, I acknowledged that I was very mediocre in my spiritual life. With the idea of “purging” in mind, I looked at how I was spending my time. I started purging. My husband and I went through the house and purged things, then donated them. It felt good to get rid of stuff! I also purged activities, including my two home-based businesses and teaching the twos class at church.
I also knew I needed help to get back on track spiritually. I don’t like asking for help but I humbly sent out an all-call and my dear friend, Amy, responded and said she would be happy to mentor me. We would begin a discipleship relationship; me following her as she follows Christ.
And now I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling surer and more grounded, in my faith and in life! I’m very close to the point where I can articulate the two things God wanted me to figure out: the barrier and the fear. Of course I’ll write about it when the time comes. It’s been an interesting process and one I am so very grateful for.
So back to my three points.
1. God really does work all things together for good. Without the miscarriage and my conversation with God, who knows how long it would have been until I’d have admitted to myself that I was having a long-distance relationship with God and needed help to get back on track?? He was calling me to Himself and when we seek Him, He promises that He will be found.
2. Good and evil are doing battle around us all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not. I really don’t know what happened that night the miscarriage started. I believe my body was purging because something was wrong with the baby and I'm OK with that. Nature took its course. I do believe that it's possible that demons were waiting in the wings (as they always do) to take an opportunity to attack me. They've been around for a long time--they know what to look for. They saw an opportunity to speak fear to me and they took it. Thankfully, God won out. Maybe I was more vulnerable not only because I was sick but because I was weak-—spiritually weak. I don't want to be weak again, nor do I want to give them opportunities to take advantage of me. Which, again, leads me to…
3. I want to be ready this time. For every future attack but for our next pregnancy in particular. We’re trying to get pregnant again so, naturally, we won’t know that we are until at least two weeks into it. Let’s start praying now!
The good news is the second part of John 10:10 I mentioned earlier. "I have come that they may have LIFE, and that they may have it more abundantly."
Let's pray for this future little life. God will have the final say. And no matter what the outcome, we will give Him the glory.
Want to pray specific scripture for us?? Here are some suggestions (borrowed from the book "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery") Feel free to suggest your own!
And thank you. May this story bless you on your journey.
Psa 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Gen 1:28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
Psa 139:13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[fn2]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
Psa 128:3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
In the very heart of your house,
Your children like olive plants
All around your table.
Psa 127:4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
Psa 127:5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psa 113:9 He grants the barren woman a home,
Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!
Psa 91:1
HE who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Psa 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."
1Pe 2:24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed.
Exd 23:25 "So you shall serve the LORD your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.
Exd 23:26 "No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.
Jhn 16:23 "And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you.
Mat 18:19 "Again I say[fn3] to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.
1Jo 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
1Jo 5:15 And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
Friday, August 8, 2008
cardboard testimonies
Grab a tissue, this is powerful stuff. God is good!!!
What's YOUR cardboard testimonial??
What's YOUR cardboard testimonial??
Hear that?
"How Many Kings?" by Downhere should be playing first on my playlist.
I heard it a while back and fell in love with it--take a listen! :)
In other news, may I submit a new point of view?
Is it possible for closure to be simply accepting that there may not ever be closure?
That's how I'm feeling about the whole miscarriage thing. I'll never know exactly what happened or why. And I don't need to know. If I do, God will give me the message. But I need to be OK with not knowing everything...not always being in control...and knowing that God knows, HE is in control and He is working all things together for good. I can be OK with that, despite being the closure-lover that I am!
Maybe in this instance, my closure is just letting go.
I heard it a while back and fell in love with it--take a listen! :)
In other news, may I submit a new point of view?
Is it possible for closure to be simply accepting that there may not ever be closure?
That's how I'm feeling about the whole miscarriage thing. I'll never know exactly what happened or why. And I don't need to know. If I do, God will give me the message. But I need to be OK with not knowing everything...not always being in control...and knowing that God knows, HE is in control and He is working all things together for good. I can be OK with that, despite being the closure-lover that I am!
Maybe in this instance, my closure is just letting go.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Ok, Ok, Lord!!
I'll post the lyrics, I got the message!! :)
I went back and forth to the opposite side of town yesterday and heard the second half of this song on the radio on my way there, wishing I'd heard it from the beginning. Then on the way home, it started from the beginning and I said, "OK, Lord, I'm listening." What a wonderful worship experience!!
Here are the lyrics to "You Never Let Go" from the David Crowder Band.
"When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go"
I can't seem to get it on my playlist so just make sure to catch it on the radio, OK? :)
I went back and forth to the opposite side of town yesterday and heard the second half of this song on the radio on my way there, wishing I'd heard it from the beginning. Then on the way home, it started from the beginning and I said, "OK, Lord, I'm listening." What a wonderful worship experience!!
Here are the lyrics to "You Never Let Go" from the David Crowder Band.
"When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go"
I can't seem to get it on my playlist so just make sure to catch it on the radio, OK? :)
Monday, August 4, 2008
Dusting myself off
I need to write this but I hesitate to put it into words. I'm already editing too much so I'm just going to press on.
People are asking me (now almost three month post-miscarriage), "Are you ready to get pregnant again??" My answer? Yes...and no.
I loooove being pregnant.
I loooove babies.
I loooove being a mom.
I know I want more children...I know children are a blessing from the Lord...and I know God will give me the capability to handle anything He gives me.
Do you fell a "but" coming?
But...I'm scared. Yuppers. Scared.
Have you ever been through something terrible, but that ultimately helped you grow as a person or brought you closer to God or taught you something invaluable about yourself or life? Maybe you didn't feel like it was necessarily "worth it," but you could see how God brought good out of it. You could see how it ultimately served His purposes and brought him glory, so you accepted it as GOOD. And you made a mental note that the next time you went through something like that, you'd remember how God brought you through it and worked it out for good.
Well. I've been through that several times. Many, many times. And...I'm a little scared to go through it again.
I'm even OK with the idea of going through something terrible and not knowing what the good is! I trust God, I really do. He has never let me down, not in all the 22 years we've been walking together.
But I know how God hates pride. And I'm prideful. I know I have pride when it comes to certain things and the whole "getting pregnant, pregnancy, childbirth, mothering" issue is one of my worst. Or was, actually. You'll see why.
On the one hand, some of them are true convictions. I know God has revealed some specific things to me about certain aspects and He expects me to deal with them. But many of them are based on my own research, opinions and experiences. I probably treat them as convictions, too, sometimes.
You know what I'm afraid of? Getting knocked off my high horse again.
High horse #1. Having a home birth. I was so ready. I'd had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy, I'd gained a healthy amount of weight and the baby was measuring perfectly. I'd done my research and had prayed about it and I knew a home birth was my best choice. And after laboring for 18 hours at home, the midwives decided on an emergency hospital transfer. I'll spare you the gory details (unless you want them--then e-mail me) but suffice it to say, twenty minutes after leaving home, our son was born. He was perfect--and he was a he!! But I wasn't so perfect so I was whisked off to surgery and barely got to see him. An hour later, I was holding him and inspecting him, still in disbelief that #1, I'd had a BOY, #2, I was a mom! and #3, I was in a hospital. Everything I'd wanted in a home birth had been snatched away from me. Thankfully, I could rejoice in a perfectly healthy baby even amidst the crushing disappointment of having the exact opposite birth I wanted. Well, OK, a C-section would've been the exact opposite, but it was close!
I mourned for a while. There was a little of the "Why, God???" I was so sure it was the right thing.
But guess what. WHAM!! Knocked off that high horse, BIG time. We can make all the plans we want, but ultimately, we're not in control!! I was given an entirely new appreciation for women who had less-than-desirable birth experiences. Who made their big plans, whatever they were--just to have them snatched away.
Imagine my pride, had I pulled it off. "Ooo, look at me! I did all my research and made my plans and look! I had the perfect home birth! You can, too, you just have to really want it!" HA!!! How abut this message to women: make your plans! But make them in pencil. Your baby may have other plans! God may have other plans! And rather than focus on the "perfect" birth, focus on a healthy baby. Certainly do your research and plan away--but leave room for the unexpected. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, as they say. That, in hindsight, seems a lot more powerful than the "Plan it right and you can do it!" message than can lead to a lot of disappointment.
High horse #2. My hubby and I decided we were ready for baby #2. Our November is insane and our son was born in November (God's sense of humor again) so we waited until a November due date passed. Then the first month trying, BAM! Pregnant. I was...shocked. The due date was December 28. I'd been really hoping for a 2009 due date!! But I was thrilled that it "took" so quickly. I chart (which means I'm hyper-aware of what's going on in my body) AND I have really long cycles so "trying" is torture. Well, not entirely, of course...ANYway, I was so excited! I told people, "God said it was good!" I bought maternity clothes, I surprised my friends and family with the news, I filled in a pregnancy journal. And WHAM. Miscarriage. On Mother's Day. God said it wasn't good. We'll never know why. A "blighted ovum" was our midwife's best guess, which made me feel better somehow, knowing there had never been a true baby in there. But, WOW. No one said it, thank God, but I know people thought it. "HER, of all people??" Yup. The Fertility Awareness advocate, the hard-core charter, the health nut. And if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Even when you do everything right, things can still go wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it! HELLO!!
Again. Get this. Which message needs to be heard? "We decided to get pregnant and it took on the first try!" or "We got pregnant and lost the baby." I realize now that my compassion for women who've dealt with miscarriage was virtually nill before I experienced it. Imagine that!! Now it just breaks my heart, to hear that other women are going through it. I just want to hug them and tell them, "I've been there. However you're feeling, it's OK."
Now listen. I'm not saying that God can't do amazing things when everything runs smoothly and goes according to our plans. And I'm not the type to go around giving worse-case scenarios, playing devil's advocate or "warning" people about what's to come. I'm saying that, in my life, God knocks me down to get my attention so He can teach me something. Or allows things to happen so that I can learn compassion. Some of the hardest things I've been through have been made that much worse because I felt like I was alone. If I can be a person who can provide comfort, who can say, "I've been there," and who can offer hope from the other side--then whatever I have to go through is totally worth it.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
BUT. I'm afraid of getting knocked down again. I'm still feeling a little dusty from the last time.
This isn't just about getting pregnant again, either, by the way. This is my life, every day. I'm afraid. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to advance God's kingdom, to bring Him glory, to spread the Gospel. Well, with conditions, of course. Been there?
I really do appreciate the things God has taken me through and looking back, He was always with me. Although at times it felt unbearable, I got through it! And God made me a stronger person with an even more powerful story to share with the world. Possibly even to share here!
This just hit me as I was writing. I'm a teacher. I've always wanted to be a teacher and although my actual teaching career was stopped short after two years so I could have our son, I will always have a teacher's heart. I love educating people. I love learning!! I love passing on what I know.
So that probably makes me more open to learning things the hard way, eh? I won't just put them behind me and move on, I'll process it all and insist on telling everybody about it. "Look what God did!!!" Why wouldn't God take advantage of how He made me, by giving me unexpected circumstances to deal with and bringing me through them that much stronger and more reliant on Him, so I can tell other people about His faithfulness and mercy?? To teach, one must have something to impart--and that's what God does. He's giving me my lesson plans in the form of real-life situations. Situations that get my attention, take my focus off of myself and force me to turn to Him. so I can say, "Look what God did!!"
God is so smart. Isn't He good??
So...I'm wondering what's ahead on this journey to a second (well, third) pregnancy. I'm a little scared. Yup. My high horse is a heck of a lot shorter, though, I'll tell ya that!!
But what's going to be written about this story?? Am I OK with whatever God is going to dish out? Really, am I?
Do I put off getting pregnant again, just to avoid any possible hurt? Do I plunge ahead, trusting that it will all work out, but willing to accept even a less-than-desirable outcome?? When do I get "back in the saddle?"
I'll be posting more about this as I study, pray and read. Please feel free to comment with your own Scripture or prayers, too. I'll take all the help I can get.
And I'll let you know when I'm ready to get back up on that horse.
***ADDENDUM***
Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles..."
Hebrews 13:15 “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess His name..."
When I Survey the Wondrous Cross
When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
save in the death of Christ, my God;
all the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.
See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.
Phil. 1:18, 20-21
"What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice...that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
People are asking me (now almost three month post-miscarriage), "Are you ready to get pregnant again??" My answer? Yes...and no.
I loooove being pregnant.
I loooove babies.
I loooove being a mom.
I know I want more children...I know children are a blessing from the Lord...and I know God will give me the capability to handle anything He gives me.
Do you fell a "but" coming?
But...I'm scared. Yuppers. Scared.
Have you ever been through something terrible, but that ultimately helped you grow as a person or brought you closer to God or taught you something invaluable about yourself or life? Maybe you didn't feel like it was necessarily "worth it," but you could see how God brought good out of it. You could see how it ultimately served His purposes and brought him glory, so you accepted it as GOOD. And you made a mental note that the next time you went through something like that, you'd remember how God brought you through it and worked it out for good.
Well. I've been through that several times. Many, many times. And...I'm a little scared to go through it again.
I'm even OK with the idea of going through something terrible and not knowing what the good is! I trust God, I really do. He has never let me down, not in all the 22 years we've been walking together.
But I know how God hates pride. And I'm prideful. I know I have pride when it comes to certain things and the whole "getting pregnant, pregnancy, childbirth, mothering" issue is one of my worst. Or was, actually. You'll see why.
On the one hand, some of them are true convictions. I know God has revealed some specific things to me about certain aspects and He expects me to deal with them. But many of them are based on my own research, opinions and experiences. I probably treat them as convictions, too, sometimes.
You know what I'm afraid of? Getting knocked off my high horse again.
High horse #1. Having a home birth. I was so ready. I'd had a completely uncomplicated pregnancy, I'd gained a healthy amount of weight and the baby was measuring perfectly. I'd done my research and had prayed about it and I knew a home birth was my best choice. And after laboring for 18 hours at home, the midwives decided on an emergency hospital transfer. I'll spare you the gory details (unless you want them--then e-mail me) but suffice it to say, twenty minutes after leaving home, our son was born. He was perfect--and he was a he!! But I wasn't so perfect so I was whisked off to surgery and barely got to see him. An hour later, I was holding him and inspecting him, still in disbelief that #1, I'd had a BOY, #2, I was a mom! and #3, I was in a hospital. Everything I'd wanted in a home birth had been snatched away from me. Thankfully, I could rejoice in a perfectly healthy baby even amidst the crushing disappointment of having the exact opposite birth I wanted. Well, OK, a C-section would've been the exact opposite, but it was close!
I mourned for a while. There was a little of the "Why, God???" I was so sure it was the right thing.
But guess what. WHAM!! Knocked off that high horse, BIG time. We can make all the plans we want, but ultimately, we're not in control!! I was given an entirely new appreciation for women who had less-than-desirable birth experiences. Who made their big plans, whatever they were--just to have them snatched away.
Imagine my pride, had I pulled it off. "Ooo, look at me! I did all my research and made my plans and look! I had the perfect home birth! You can, too, you just have to really want it!" HA!!! How abut this message to women: make your plans! But make them in pencil. Your baby may have other plans! God may have other plans! And rather than focus on the "perfect" birth, focus on a healthy baby. Certainly do your research and plan away--but leave room for the unexpected. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, as they say. That, in hindsight, seems a lot more powerful than the "Plan it right and you can do it!" message than can lead to a lot of disappointment.
High horse #2. My hubby and I decided we were ready for baby #2. Our November is insane and our son was born in November (God's sense of humor again) so we waited until a November due date passed. Then the first month trying, BAM! Pregnant. I was...shocked. The due date was December 28. I'd been really hoping for a 2009 due date!! But I was thrilled that it "took" so quickly. I chart (which means I'm hyper-aware of what's going on in my body) AND I have really long cycles so "trying" is torture. Well, not entirely, of course...ANYway, I was so excited! I told people, "God said it was good!" I bought maternity clothes, I surprised my friends and family with the news, I filled in a pregnancy journal. And WHAM. Miscarriage. On Mother's Day. God said it wasn't good. We'll never know why. A "blighted ovum" was our midwife's best guess, which made me feel better somehow, knowing there had never been a true baby in there. But, WOW. No one said it, thank God, but I know people thought it. "HER, of all people??" Yup. The Fertility Awareness advocate, the hard-core charter, the health nut. And if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Even when you do everything right, things can still go wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it! HELLO!!
Again. Get this. Which message needs to be heard? "We decided to get pregnant and it took on the first try!" or "We got pregnant and lost the baby." I realize now that my compassion for women who've dealt with miscarriage was virtually nill before I experienced it. Imagine that!! Now it just breaks my heart, to hear that other women are going through it. I just want to hug them and tell them, "I've been there. However you're feeling, it's OK."
Now listen. I'm not saying that God can't do amazing things when everything runs smoothly and goes according to our plans. And I'm not the type to go around giving worse-case scenarios, playing devil's advocate or "warning" people about what's to come. I'm saying that, in my life, God knocks me down to get my attention so He can teach me something. Or allows things to happen so that I can learn compassion. Some of the hardest things I've been through have been made that much worse because I felt like I was alone. If I can be a person who can provide comfort, who can say, "I've been there," and who can offer hope from the other side--then whatever I have to go through is totally worth it.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
BUT. I'm afraid of getting knocked down again. I'm still feeling a little dusty from the last time.
This isn't just about getting pregnant again, either, by the way. This is my life, every day. I'm afraid. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to advance God's kingdom, to bring Him glory, to spread the Gospel. Well, with conditions, of course. Been there?
I really do appreciate the things God has taken me through and looking back, He was always with me. Although at times it felt unbearable, I got through it! And God made me a stronger person with an even more powerful story to share with the world. Possibly even to share here!
This just hit me as I was writing. I'm a teacher. I've always wanted to be a teacher and although my actual teaching career was stopped short after two years so I could have our son, I will always have a teacher's heart. I love educating people. I love learning!! I love passing on what I know.
So that probably makes me more open to learning things the hard way, eh? I won't just put them behind me and move on, I'll process it all and insist on telling everybody about it. "Look what God did!!!" Why wouldn't God take advantage of how He made me, by giving me unexpected circumstances to deal with and bringing me through them that much stronger and more reliant on Him, so I can tell other people about His faithfulness and mercy?? To teach, one must have something to impart--and that's what God does. He's giving me my lesson plans in the form of real-life situations. Situations that get my attention, take my focus off of myself and force me to turn to Him. so I can say, "Look what God did!!"
God is so smart. Isn't He good??
So...I'm wondering what's ahead on this journey to a second (well, third) pregnancy. I'm a little scared. Yup. My high horse is a heck of a lot shorter, though, I'll tell ya that!!
But what's going to be written about this story?? Am I OK with whatever God is going to dish out? Really, am I?
Do I put off getting pregnant again, just to avoid any possible hurt? Do I plunge ahead, trusting that it will all work out, but willing to accept even a less-than-desirable outcome?? When do I get "back in the saddle?"
I'll be posting more about this as I study, pray and read. Please feel free to comment with your own Scripture or prayers, too. I'll take all the help I can get.
And I'll let you know when I'm ready to get back up on that horse.
***ADDENDUM***
Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles..."
Hebrews 13:15 “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess His name..."
When I Survey the Wondrous Cross
When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
save in the death of Christ, my God;
all the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.
See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.
Phil. 1:18, 20-21
"What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is preached; and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice...that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Evolution of a blog
It's my one year anniversary with Blogger!!
July marked a year since I set up my Blogger account.
My profile has been viewed 1,450 times!! I find that amazing. My mom'll ask, "Who are all those people??" Who knows??
I started very simply with a blog called "Finding Myself in Graceville." Graceville is a little town in the Florida panhandle where I spent the four best years of my childhood, living on a farm while my dad attended seminary. When I named it, the title was more about trying to live a life that fully embraces God's grace.
Once I started blogging, I started visiting blogs and found that there's this whole blogging community out there!! I found Etsy at about the same time and also stumbled onto amazing blogs about home caring, decorating, thrift-store shopping, cooking, etc. I decided I didn't want my main blog to be about motherhood, plus I was a little uncomfortable having private family details and photos so...public. So! I made my "Finding Myself..." blog private and renamed it "This Day," from the Goethe quote, "Nothing is worth more than this day."
Then I created a brand new blog called "Roots & Wings" with the proudgrits address. Some of you may not know that GRITS stands for "Girl Raised In the South." Yes, it's an actual club! :)
I love the idea of roots and wings. I truly do have my roots in the South but it wasn't until I moved away to Arizona that I began to truly find myself, and find the courage to fly. I also found a graphic designer to design my blog header and I adore it.
After the first two were up and running, starting more was cake!
Now I have seven blogs:
1. "Roots & Wings" which is public and mostly about crafting, shopping and home caring. I love "meeting" fellow crafters and thrift-store shoppers and have learned a lot from their blogs! My hit counter is creeping up toward 1,000!!
Roots & Wings
2. "This Day" which is the only private one and is almost exclusively about my family. That's where I post family updates and pictures. I don't get many comments there so I never quite know who is still checking in.
3. "My Story, His Glory" is meant to chronicle my spiritual journey with the Lord. I wish I could write more there.
My Story, His Glory
4. "Polka Dot Tots" is for the moms' group I coordinate for our church. I mostly post event details and updates.
Polka Dot Tots
5. E.t.c. is for my "Encouragement Through Cards" ministry, where I give people an unsigned card to brighten their day and ask them to pass it on to someone else. I need to post about that soon to let you all know what I'm doing!! I'll get to it eventually!
E.t.c.
6. "Serendipity Tea Room" is where I write about tea. My tea parties, tea rooms, etc. It doesn't see much action but when I do go somewhere or buy something tea-related, that's where it goes!!
Serendipity Tea Room
7. "Leap of Faith" is about trying to have a second baby. It's really my electronic journal, and I haven't told anyone the address but I hope someday when I meet women who are going through similar circumstances, I can share it with them so they know someone else has been there.
PHEW!! Yeah, it's a lot but, hey, I love to write and it's kind of nice to compartmentalize my life a little, when it so often feels like everything just runs together! It's a fun hobby and I really have "met" some lovely and talented women in the blog world, plus I've been able to keep up with many of my old friends as well!
Happy anniversary to ME!
July marked a year since I set up my Blogger account.
My profile has been viewed 1,450 times!! I find that amazing. My mom'll ask, "Who are all those people??" Who knows??
I started very simply with a blog called "Finding Myself in Graceville." Graceville is a little town in the Florida panhandle where I spent the four best years of my childhood, living on a farm while my dad attended seminary. When I named it, the title was more about trying to live a life that fully embraces God's grace.
Once I started blogging, I started visiting blogs and found that there's this whole blogging community out there!! I found Etsy at about the same time and also stumbled onto amazing blogs about home caring, decorating, thrift-store shopping, cooking, etc. I decided I didn't want my main blog to be about motherhood, plus I was a little uncomfortable having private family details and photos so...public. So! I made my "Finding Myself..." blog private and renamed it "This Day," from the Goethe quote, "Nothing is worth more than this day."
Then I created a brand new blog called "Roots & Wings" with the proudgrits address. Some of you may not know that GRITS stands for "Girl Raised In the South." Yes, it's an actual club! :)
I love the idea of roots and wings. I truly do have my roots in the South but it wasn't until I moved away to Arizona that I began to truly find myself, and find the courage to fly. I also found a graphic designer to design my blog header and I adore it.
After the first two were up and running, starting more was cake!
Now I have seven blogs:
1. "Roots & Wings" which is public and mostly about crafting, shopping and home caring. I love "meeting" fellow crafters and thrift-store shoppers and have learned a lot from their blogs! My hit counter is creeping up toward 1,000!!
Roots & Wings
2. "This Day" which is the only private one and is almost exclusively about my family. That's where I post family updates and pictures. I don't get many comments there so I never quite know who is still checking in.
3. "My Story, His Glory" is meant to chronicle my spiritual journey with the Lord. I wish I could write more there.
My Story, His Glory
4. "Polka Dot Tots" is for the moms' group I coordinate for our church. I mostly post event details and updates.
Polka Dot Tots
5. E.t.c. is for my "Encouragement Through Cards" ministry, where I give people an unsigned card to brighten their day and ask them to pass it on to someone else. I need to post about that soon to let you all know what I'm doing!! I'll get to it eventually!
E.t.c.
6. "Serendipity Tea Room" is where I write about tea. My tea parties, tea rooms, etc. It doesn't see much action but when I do go somewhere or buy something tea-related, that's where it goes!!
Serendipity Tea Room
7. "Leap of Faith" is about trying to have a second baby. It's really my electronic journal, and I haven't told anyone the address but I hope someday when I meet women who are going through similar circumstances, I can share it with them so they know someone else has been there.
PHEW!! Yeah, it's a lot but, hey, I love to write and it's kind of nice to compartmentalize my life a little, when it so often feels like everything just runs together! It's a fun hobby and I really have "met" some lovely and talented women in the blog world, plus I've been able to keep up with many of my old friends as well!
Happy anniversary to ME!
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