I believe

I believe I need to articulate three things here, in lieu of recent events in my life. Let me share my story to encourage you…or even warn you. Or both.

Here are the three things.

1. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." God uses even our most heinous circumstances to help us grow and to bring Him glory.

2. Satan and his minions are real. John 10:10 says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." Let’s not give him too much credit, but let’s not discredit him, either. His demons are after us. Know where you're weak. And expect that he'll attack you at any time. Instead of living in denial, be ready. Which leads me to…

3. I want to be ready this time and I need your prayer. I want to be in tune with God and equipped to handle anything evil that comes my way from here on out.

3 ½ months ago, when I suffered a miscarriage, I wasn’t ready. I was weak and scared and demons or whatever you want to call them—-they knew that and they took the opportunity to attack me.

Here’s the story. I wouldn't know it until many days later but I believe the baby was set loose from me that first night, Monday, May 5th. I woke up from a weird (but fairly benign dream). The dream probably resulted from two things: our pastor had preached on Christian martyrs at church the day before and that night, I'd watched one of the "Bourne" movies. That combination meant I had all sorts of violent images in my mind when I went to bed.

I woke up from the dream because our son had wet the bed, but as we changed the sheets and I recounted the dream to my husband, I started to feel afraid. As I lay in bed, feeling chilled and nauseated, I felt a deep, dark fear set into me. I felt panicked and scared, like an evil hand was gripping me. I cried and talked to my husband. We prayed together and talked through it and I was finally able to calm down. I felt the peace of God eventually, too. I felt His comfort.

But I couldn't sleep. My stomach was heaving. I felt sick, so sick.

When I'm sick, God seems to speak to me the most clearly. I don't think He talks any louder, I just listen better! So as I drifted in and out of a fitful sleep, I was praying and asking Him what He was trying to tell me. I felt like He was definitely saying something important.

I feel that God said three things.

1. "Tab, you need to figure out what's coming between You and I. Figure it out, then let's break down the barrier so you can walk close to me again."

2. "Pin-point where your fear is coming from so we can conquer it."

3. "PURGE."

I finally fell asleep once I got the message.

That night, I didn't know what PURGE meant. I mean, I knew what the word meant, but I didn't know what God had in mind. I certainly didn't know that the baby had been purged! That would come several days later. Friday, the bleeding started. By Mother's Day that Sunday, I was starting to accept that the pregnancy was over. I attended church and celebrated with my family and felt at peace. Or as peaceful as I could feel.

By Tuesday, I knew undoubtedly that all hope was gone. No baby. We'd thought God had said the pregnancy was good. He didn't. We'll probably never know why.

Not long after that, I thought about what God told me that night.

First, I acknowledged that I was very mediocre in my spiritual life. With the idea of “purging” in mind, I looked at how I was spending my time. I started purging. My husband and I went through the house and purged things, then donated them. It felt good to get rid of stuff! I also purged activities, including my two home-based businesses and teaching the twos class at church.

I also knew I needed help to get back on track spiritually. I don’t like asking for help but I humbly sent out an all-call and my dear friend, Amy, responded and said she would be happy to mentor me. We would begin a discipleship relationship; me following her as she follows Christ.

And now I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling surer and more grounded, in my faith and in life! I’m very close to the point where I can articulate the two things God wanted me to figure out: the barrier and the fear. Of course I’ll write about it when the time comes. It’s been an interesting process and one I am so very grateful for.

So back to my three points.

1. God really does work all things together for good. Without the miscarriage and my conversation with God, who knows how long it would have been until I’d have admitted to myself that I was having a long-distance relationship with God and needed help to get back on track?? He was calling me to Himself and when we seek Him, He promises that He will be found.

2. Good and evil are doing battle around us all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not. I really don’t know what happened that night the miscarriage started. I believe my body was purging because something was wrong with the baby and I'm OK with that. Nature took its course. I do believe that it's possible that demons were waiting in the wings (as they always do) to take an opportunity to attack me. They've been around for a long time--they know what to look for. They saw an opportunity to speak fear to me and they took it. Thankfully, God won out. Maybe I was more vulnerable not only because I was sick but because I was weak-—spiritually weak. I don't want to be weak again, nor do I want to give them opportunities to take advantage of me. Which, again, leads me to…

3. I want to be ready this time. For every future attack but for our next pregnancy in particular. We’re trying to get pregnant again so, naturally, we won’t know that we are until at least two weeks into it. Let’s start praying now!

The good news is the second part of John 10:10 I mentioned earlier. "I have come that they may have LIFE, and that they may have it more abundantly."

Let's pray for this future little life. God will have the final say. And no matter what the outcome, we will give Him the glory.

Want to pray specific scripture for us?? Here are some suggestions (borrowed from the book "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery") Feel free to suggest your own!

And thank you. May this story bless you on your journey.

Psa 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Gen 1:28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."


Psa 139:13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[fn2]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Psa 139:16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Psa 128:3 Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine
In the very heart of your house,
Your children like olive plants
All around your table.

Psa 127:4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
Psa 127:5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

Psa 113:9 He grants the barren woman a home,
Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!

Psa 91:1
HE who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Psa 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."

1Pe 2:24 who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed.

Exd 23:25 "So you shall serve the LORD your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.
Exd 23:26 "No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days.

Jhn 16:23 "And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you.

Mat 18:19 "Again I say[fn3] to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.

1Jo 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.
1Jo 5:15 And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.